Dear Fibromyalgia, I Hate You

Dear Fibromyalgia,
          
                              As I begin this letter I want to find something positive to include, but you have made this a very challenging task. My life as I knew it is gone. You have taken so much from me, I don't even know where to begin. Fibromyalgia, I hate you.

                  I used to be able to work all day long. Sure I might be tired at night, but it was a good tired. The tired you get from working hard and getting a large amount accomplished. Now I find I am tired from washing the dishes. There are nights that after I have cooked dinner I am too tired to even do the dishes. I feel like a complete failure at times. I see things that need done or I would like to do, but I don't have the energy to do them. I have to depend on someone else to do the things I used to be able to do. I hate this feeling.

               Let's talk about the pain you cause me each day and night. I hurt all over every day all day. There is never a time I can say "gee, I am not hurting right now." My skin usually feels like I have a sunburn all over my body. Sometimes it feels like it's burnt from the inside. I get burning pains down the sides of my legs all the way down to my little toes. My hands throb and ache. I sometimes wonder how I will accomplish anything with the pain I feel.

               From the time I get up in the morning to the times I am tossing and turning at night, I long for a relaxing sleep. I am always tired. I feel like someone is constantly sucking the energy from my body. I find myself falling asleep at my desk while trying to finish a blog post. But, at night when everyone else drifts off to dreamland I am stuck laying there wide awake. I toss and turn and fall asleep for fifteen minutes here and there.  This cycle repeats night after night. When it's time to finally get up in the morning my body yells NO! I want you to lay here and finally get some sleep. Well, still only fifteen minutes at a time, but I will fall asleep very quickly. I struggle to pull myself out of bed. Getting dressed shouldn't seem like a challenging chore. 

               I used to do in home private health care for others and now there are days I think I might need someone to care for me. I see the stares people throw at me when I mention that I have Fibromyalgia. They look at me like I am lazy and using an excuse. They don't take me seriously when I tell about my pain so I just say I am OK when asked. I will never understand how someone could think we want to have Fibromyalgia. How could someone think I want to spend each day in pain? They actually think you are a welcome addition to my life. Well guess what Fibromyalgia, I hate you. 

As I conclude this letter, I have found something positive from having you in my life. I am stronger and will get stronger each day I overcome you. Each task I complete on my own and each day I continue to get out of bed, I am getting stronger. I may not always be winning the battle you have challenged me too, but I promise you this. I will never give up.


                                                                            Sincerely,
                                                              Tired, but NOT Through Fighting